


(What if..)

by imissedyourskin



Series: We are one | Chanbaek [4]
Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Flashbacks, M/M, Past Byun Baekhyun/Kim Taeyeon, verse 4
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-31
Updated: 2018-01-31
Packaged: 2019-03-11 03:43:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 14,181
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13515882
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/imissedyourskin/pseuds/imissedyourskin
Summary: Although life seems picture-perfect now, it wasn't always as rosy.This verse takes you down memory lane, back to when Chanyeol realised he was in love... just as Baekhyun gave his heart to someone else.Crack... there goes Chanyeol's heart.





	(What if..)

**Author's Note:**

> this verse contains mentions of Taeyeon although she is never brought in as an active character. Her relationship with Baekhyun the way it is in here is totally made up but based off the articles I've read during my research period. Done to keep it fairly 'realistic', for how far that's possible of course. Anyway, just mentioning it because I know some of y'all are very sensitive about the whole dating thing even though it shouldn't really matter to us. xox

 

 

 _Now I need to keep you inside my drawer forever_  
_But can I take you out sometimes?_  
_Even if my heart that longs for you becomes a small star_  
_At least from far away, at least in my heart_  
_I will warmly shine on you_

_~_

 

"My phone absolutely blew up, I don’t get how it is even working with how much it has to process right now. What about yours?" Baekhyun asked from his spot on the couch, his hair wet and showerfresh and his face still glowing from all the smiling. There was a hickey visible right at the collar of his shirt, where Chanyeol had sucked the bruise into his skin this morning, and he looked positively beautiful like that. Chanyeol found himself only slightly surprised as he realised how he was only falling in love over and over again every time he watched him. 

They were waiting for their ride back to the dome for their final concert that night, but for now they still got to sit here blissfully unaware of the outside world. It would likely be a mess of a day, with emotions all over the place and Chanyeol having to focus on actually performing rather than kissing Baekhyun. Thankfully it was only one more night.

Chanyeol hadn't looked at the screen of his phone yet, but judging from the way it had been continuously buzzing in his hand he knew his was getting flooded with messages as well, "well, it is to be expected when two big names in the entertainment business get engaged." 

Baekhyun laughed at that, letting his head fall back so his hair would move out of his face. "It sounds like such big news, right? When to me it feels like any other day,” he admitted with a satisfied hum, “I already loved you, it's not like that happened very suddenly."

Chanyeol watched Baekhyun bring up his slender hand to card it through his hair, and once again the ring caught his eye. So beautiful, so perfect on Baekhyun’s finger. "It doesn't feel like any other day to me," Chanyeol admitted, his eyes never leaving Baekhyun's face and so he easily met Baekhyun's curious expression, which all but asked him 'how?' 

It may not be different for Baekhyun, but it was very different for him. "It seems impossible but hearing you say yes made me fall in love with you that much more," he confessed, knowing it probably didn’t make a lot of sense to anyone who hadn’t experienced it, "I only have to close my eyes and I'm right back on stage, down on one knee and seeing the surprise and shock on your face. The way your eyes just sparkled when you realised what happened, with your smile so radiant, it was truly magic." 

Chanyeol had closed his eyes as he talked about it, and he heard Baekhyun chuckle as he acknowledged it, but as he opened them again he saw that same smile on the other's face. There was that sparkle in his eyes he had been talking about, and Chanyeol was happy to see it again, "see. The way you're looking right now, that's it. It makes my heart do crazy sommersaults, it's insanely beautiful."

"You're insane," Baekhyun rolled his eyes fondly, definitely feeling charmed by Chanyeol’s words, before he got up with his phone and walked over to the single chair his fiancé was in. Without further ado he dropped himself down on Chanyeol's lap and made himself comfortable by leaning against his chest. 

Chanyeol chuckled brightly and pressed a swift kiss to Baekhyun's jaw as his fiancé went back to the task at hand, which was answering the countless amount of messages that had been left for them. Or reading them at least, because answering would probably take forever and a day.

"Maybe we should just post a thank you to our instagrams, a picture of us with some kind words," Baekhyun suggested as he realised the same thing, "because this is honestly too much. Way too much." He smiled as he looked at Chanyeol, trying to gauge his reaction, "or would that be strange? Would SM come for us?" 

Chanyeol raised his eyebrows at that and poked Baekhyun's side, "I don't think posting a picture together is worse than what I did yesterday, Baek. And if they do, which again I think is highly unlikely, then screw them."

"Okay," Baekhyun instantly put his trust in him, the way he always did, and he tapped his screen a few times until the camera popped up, "okay what should we do then? Hearts? Peace sign?" He tried a few with one hand and then made up his mind, "oh, no I have to be showing off the ring, right? Otherwise it is just a selca of us together." 

Chanyeol laughed and turned Baekhyun's face by pressing his fingers underneath the boys's chin, "I don’t care what else you do, but you bet your sweet ass I'm going to be kissing you, Byun Baekhyun." He didn't even wait for the other to comment, because it would surely be some snarky remark, and instead he just pressed their lips together and kissed him.

His hand moved to the back of Baekhyun's neck, who yelped against his lips before he gave in to Chanyeol's advances, and after a second in which Baekhyun tipped his head to the side to deepen the kiss, Chanyeol let his eyes fall shut and focused on the kiss and nothing else. 

He could feel Baekhyun move, his hand coming up between their bodies, very likely to show off the ring, but Chanyeol let it be. He kissed the older the way he always did, without any restraints, and when Baekhyun pulled back he was a little out of breath. They could never keep it brief, it was just impossible, but it was one of the things Chanyeol loved about them so much.

"We've been kissing so much you don't even taste like yourself anymore," Baekhyun commented with a smile before he looked at his screen to check if the picture was any good. "Ah, we look so cute," Baekhyun gushed as he zoomed in on their faces, letting Chanyeol look with him over his shoulder. 

"Of course we do, we're Chanbaek," Chanyeol snorted as he wrapped his arms around Baekhyun's waist and held him close, seeing that indeed they looked very cute in the picture. "Send it to me after you've put your cute little filters on it, okay? I want to post it as well,” he told him, earning a scoff from Baekhyun after which he laughed, leaning into Chanyeol a little tighter.

In that moment it was almost strange to see how happy and bubbly he was now, when only hours before foul words had been dripping from the boy's lips as he held on to the headboard of their hotel room’s bed. Chanyeol loved that, loved the way Baekhyun could flip a switch so easily, and he adored both sides of him just as much. Or, actually, that really just depended on the situation.

The laughter stopped when a new notification popped up at the top of the screen, and it pulled Chanyeol from his thoughts so he could look over his fiancé's shoulder as he opened the conversation. 

 

[Taeyeon]:

**Congratulations on you engagement, Baekhyunnie. <3 I wish you two all the happiness in the world.**

 

It was a sweet message, no bite behind it at all, but still it threw Chanyeol back in time to a moment where Baekhyun had been anything but his. A time where Chanyeol was rudely awakened from the slumber he had been in to open his eyes realising he was in love. 

Back when Taeyeon owned Baekhyun’s heart.

~

_The thing was… Chanyeol had been pretty smitten with Baekhyun for a while now. Talking months, if not more than that, Chanyeol had had his eyes on the shorter guy. At first he had been sure it was admiration, because it would be fucking weird to think about having a crush on one of your fellow members. And it was certainly true that Chanyeol envied how much better Baekhyun was at everything and how easily he seemed to grow in such a short time, but then the news dropped and Chanyeol knew it was more than that._

_It was a revelation to find out that he had been falling for Baekhyun at the exact moment his heart hit the ground without any hands there to catch it. It felt like what Chanyeol expected jumping out of a plane would feel like; a surge of excitement and adrenaline that only resulted in you puking your guts out in fear seconds later._

_That was what it had felt like, and it had hit him so suddenly that it had been hard to keep his face composed in any way. It was truly a miracle he had managed, or maybe he hadn’t but Baekhyun had been too happy to have noticed that something was wrong. People in love were said to have this rosy film over their eyes that prevented them from seeing anything but the happiness they felt, and Baekhyun was no exception._

_With a few swift words, Baekhyun had sent Chanyeol on the fastest, scariest roller coaster ride of his life. Going up and up as he realised how he was in love, only to have the realisation set in as he reached the top before he tumbled down so hard that his heart was still trying to get back inside his chest. It was like finally seeing the light only to go blind one second later._

_“I’m dating her, I’m dating Taeyeon,” Baekhyun had said, his boxy smile making his eyes squeeze shut a little. Chanyeol used to love it when he smiled like that, he always liked seeing Baekhyun happy for it made him happy, but he realised now that he loved it because he loved Baekhyun. All of him. And being the reason for that smile was what he lived for. Only now, now he was anything but the cause._

_His heart was a mess, and in his head Chanyeol could see knives stabbing it over and over again, very torturously hurting him. It was a godawful feeling, and Chanyeol wanted to flee the scene so badly. He wanted to get out and let every emotion that coursed through him escape from its confines, wanted to fall into the pit of despair that had opened itself for him, but he couldn’t. He couldn’t because this was Baekhyun and Baekhyun was his best friend._

_Whereas at first Chanyeol had spent so much time and effort into getting to know each and every member, now, almost two years later, he had started to settle into different relationships with all of them. He loved to tease Kyungsoo and he enjoyed making music with Yixing and Jongdae more than with any of the others, but with Baekhyun it was a bit of everything. With Baekhyun there was music, there was laughter and there was fun and happiness. It was everything at once, and Chanyeol had never had that with anyone._

_Friends at school had always been convenient friends. People in the same environment with whom he shared one or two interests, whether that was music or sports or something else, but no one had ever been on the very same level as him. No one had sat with him talking about impressionism one moment while pulling pranks the next. No one had asked him any deep questions about life in the middle of the night only to make him wake up in a mountain of plushies the next morning. No one but Baekhyun._

_Dealing with the startling realisation of his feelings while at the same time having them get stomped on, it was the least pleasant thing Chanyeol had experienced in his whole life. The ache, the knowledge that no matter what he’d do now, Baekhyun’s heart was taken, it all crushed him in a flash. He tried to force a smile, but the corners of his mouth were trembling and his voice sounded fake and unnatural as he said, “congratulations, Baek.”_

_The boy bounced on his feet as he walked closer to Chanyeol, who had been sitting on the couch unsuspecting of everything that had now overcome him. Baekhyun looked happy, genuinely happy the way he hadn’t in a while. They had all been so busy, they all looked so worn out, and Chanyeol had tried desperately to make the smile return on his face, but now he no longer had to._

_Baekhyun had a girlfriend, a perfect and sweet girlfriend, and Chanyeol was left empty handed. He knew Taeyeon, knew she’d be good for Baekhyun, and in a way that was worse. Like any other would have, he wanted to find her flaws and point at them, he wanted to be able to say he was better for Baekhyun than she was just so he could hold on to the idea of them together, but that was silly and immature._

_“She’s so beautiful,” Baekhyun sighed as he sagged into the couch, lifting his hands behind his head as if he felt smug about it, and Chanyeol thought, ‘so are you’. “And she’s sweet, very sweet. She just gets me, which is nice, you know? She gets what it’s like to live a life this hectic. I never thought I’d end up with someone like her, but I guess life keeps surprising you.”_

_Sure, life keeps surprising you._

_Chanyeol’s tongue felt numb in his mouth and he couldn’t for the life of him get his lips to move, but his mind was running a mile a minute. ‘Aren’t I sweet? Don’t I get you?’ was all he thought, thinking of all the nights he spent asleep next to Baekhyun after he had spent the better half of the night ranting about one thing or another, but of course he couldn’t compare. He couldn’t compare to someone like her._

_For one, he was a guy. He wasn’t delicate, he wasn’t short and cute. Instead he had a wonky smile and huge ears. Sure, it was endearing in a silly way, but not cute. Nothing about him was as sugary and sweet as she was, the contrast as big as night and day. Of course it would be her._

_Then, there was the whole issue with them being friends as well as co-workers, basically. Even if he confessed and even if Baekhyun would like him back, which he clearly didn’t, the possibility of a breakup and its consequences existed and that would fuck things up beyond repair. There was too much at risk for them to try even if Baekhyun loved him back, so maybe this was good for him._

_If Chanyeol had realised his feelings before, he would have ended up pining over someone he couldn’t have, but now he got to skip that part and go straight to the heartache, after which he hopefully would be able to move on. Although, right now that wasn’t a hopefully. Right now that actually felt like the worst thing, because heartache or not, Chanyeol had liked how he felt about Baekhyun._

_Baekhyun had been a source of happiness for him and Chanyeol didn’t want to lose that. He’d rather be heartbroken forever than give up on the shorter, which was maybe a little worrisome, but right now it was nice to hold on to that bit of his heart just to keep it from stopping its beating altogether._

_“I’m happy for you Baek,” he heard himself say with a voice that really didn’t sound like his own, but hey, that rosy film was working in Chanyeol’s favour right now, “I wish you two all the best.” The words made Baekhyun smile, although faintly, and he looked at his hands as he folded them in his lap. He looked cute like that, so soft too, and Chanyeol really wanted to pull him in close, but he had no right to._

_“Thanks. It’s just, with the whole Kris thing,” Baekhyun started, voice strained and eyebrows furrowed now, “it was so nice to have her around. Her hugs, her reassuring words and just her overall presence helped me forget about all the shit we were in.” He sounded so genuinely thankful that Chanyeol couldn’t get out the ‘I would have been there for you’ he so desperately wanted to say._

_He had thought that maybe Baekhyun trusted him enough to confide in him when it came to these things, but maybe he was wrong. Maybe Baekhyun didn’t think of him as his best friend the way Chanyeol did. Maybe he had been delusional all this time, seeing Baekhyun’s kindness as friendship when it was just that: kindness._

_They had been in it together when Kris pulled that shit on them and he would have been there for Baekhyun had he come to him. However, the boy had always left saying he was going to bed early. Except for how clearly he hadn’t, judging from how he just said he had been with her._

_It felt a tiny bit like betrayal, even though that was a stupid thing to feel, because Baekhyun had done nothing wrong. He had merely hidden something that had been nothing yet and now that it was, he was right here to tell Chanyeol about it. He had done nothing wrong, yet it felt like betrayal, like cheating. It was Chanyeol’s own fault he felt that way._

_“It’s probably going to be difficult, but I think she’ll be worth it,” Baekhyun went on when Chanyeol kept silent, “it’s kind of funny, though, because I’ve always had my eye on her but I never thought she was interested at all. But then she kissed me, I’m not even joking. She kissed me, beat me to it, and I- Chanyeol?”_

_Chanyeol finally snapped out of it, realising that he had been balling his hands into fists and his breathing was now more laboured. The look on his face must have not be much better at hiding his pain, and clearly it had been too much. It had been visible even through that rosy film covering Baekhyun’s eyes, and now he had been put on the spot._

_He blinked, quickly trying to get his breathing back in check as he tried to think of a good excuse for his behaviour. As Baekhyun stared at him with worried eyes all he could think of was to let out a hissing sound and reach for his head, “ah, yeah sorry, I have like a killer headache. Go on, though,” he waved it off as if it was nothing while simultaneously trying to pull his most believable pained expression._

_Baekhyun’s lips parted slightly, making him look like a fish out on the dry, especially when he started to open and close it a few times before something actually came out, “oh. Oh god, I’m sorry. I’ve been talking about nothing but myself and didn’t even notice you weren’t feeling well.” He started to fuss about, hand on Chanyeol’s upper arm as he scanned his face._

_Chanyeol felt bad for lying, but the truth would have been worse, so he gladly let this happen. Baekhyun’s hand was warm to his skin, like a burning touch, which was funny because Chanyeol was supposed to be the one in control of the fire. His own joke barely registered, though, because as quickly as it had come, the touch had disappeared again._

_“I’ll get you a few painkillers and then I’m sending you off to bed,” Baekhyun spoke as he got up, taking a few strides towards the kitchen. Chanyeol had already part his lips, ready to argue with him, when Baekhyun added a knowing, “no discussing it, Park.”_

_Chanyeol threw his head back in annoyance, hating how well Baekhyun knew him. He didn’t even have to speak for him to know, which was why it was so shocking to Chanyeol that the boy hadn’t figured out yet how he felt about him. Of course, Chanyeol himself hadn’t known, but that didn’t mean that Baekhyun couldn’t have. There were times where Baekhyun figured him out before he did. Like those moments where he would be about to break down where Baekhyun had already found his way to him as if he had sensed it coming._

_His friend quickly returned, holding a glass of water in one hand and a few pills in the other. “Here, take these. Did you eat enough? Drink enough?” Baekhyun fussed as he sat back down once Chanyeol had taken the glass. Their fingers touched briefly and once again there was that fire coursing through him. How he hadn’t noticed it before he didn’t know, but it didn’t feel new. It just felt like something he was aware of now, something he hadn’t felt before._

_“Thanks, and yes. It’s just a headache, no need to worry so much,” Chanyeol replied before he swallowed down the painkillers, even though he didn’t need them. Baekhyun only scoffed at his words and he crossed his arms while that adorable pout he was so good at appeared on his face, “yeah yeah, you always say that. I don’t believe it one bit. Something is definitely up.”_

_Chanyeol rolled his eyes before he let them fall shut, just so Baekhyun couldn’t look at them and realise how right he was. He sighed, taking a very deep breath, and sat up straighter, “fine. I’ll go to bed, okay? Are you gonna go as well?”_

_Baekhyun shook his head when Chanyeol looked at him over his shoulder, still shielding most of his face, “no, I’m staying up a little longer.” Nodding, Chanyeol moved to push himself up off the couch, but a hand around his wrist tugged him back down._

_“Chanyeol,” Baekhyun’s voice was stern and serious and when he looked back at his friend he could see his expression was similar, “you’re forgetting the most important part.” As if he was supposed to remember something._

_Chanyeol was actually at a loss for words, not understanding what Baekhyun was saying, and so he stayed very still and knew the confusion on his face would look like one big question mark to Baekhyun. He sat with that hand still around his wrist, making his blood flow quicker, and he was scared his heartbeat would betray him._

_Baekhyun sighed, as if he was a little disappointed with how he had forgotten about this thing they apparently had. He let go of Chanyeol’s wrist, his hand moving up to grab the taller’s head, which he pulled down to him until his lips could graze Chanyeol’s forehead. He pressed a kiss to his skin, nothing weird, and Chanyeol remembered now._

_He remembered how when Baekhyun had a headache he would always kiss it better, just like the boy was doing for him now. Apparenly he remembered it too, and the action made Chanyeol warm and fuzzy inside from feelings he wasn’t supposed to have. But at least he’d have this, at least he knew what it felt like to have Baekhyun’s lips press against his forehead, even if that was all he’d ever get._

_~_

_Seeing Baekhyun every day once he was aware of the feelings that he carried in his chest, was torturous to say the least. It was worse than before, the way everything he did stood out to Chanyeol, and it hurt because a bitter taste always followed the burst of butterflies._

_Everything the shorter did was mesmerizing, every word he spoke sounded like it belonged in a sonnet and every smile filled him to the brim with happiness. But every smile Chanyeol smiled in response to something Baekhyun had done was washed away with a brief stab to the chest that he felt whenever his mind reminded him of her._

_Chanyeol was thankful, though, because even though he had expected it all to be different now, not much changed between them now that Baekhyun was dating. Sure, there was less time for them to hang out once their schedules ended, and sometimes Baekhyun would be missing from their group dinners to spend that time with his girlfriend instead, but Chanyeol still got to enjoy plenty of Baekhyun every day. The issue was that now, now that he knew he was in love, it never felt like it was enough._

_He tried to sit down next to Baekhyun wherever they went, tried to be in the same car and to stay in the same hotel room when they were travelling. It became an obsession to be as close to the boy as possible and Chanyeol knew he was only in the process of hurting himself, but he couldn’t help it. For a full two months his every day revolved around Baekhyun. There wasn’t a moment of peace where his brain would let him escape from the boy._

_When he woke up he’d lie in bed thinking about his smile and he’d align their schedules in his head to count how many hours of Baekhyun he’d be getting that day. Then, after their schedules finished, he would either hang out with Baekhyun or spend time alone, writing or daydreaming about him still. And then he’d go to bed, dreaming up a scenario he’d come back to every time before he closed his eyes._

_He’d imagine himself half asleep already, curled up on his side and ready to pass out, when his ears would pick up the sound of the door opening. He’d imagine quiet footsteps until his blanket would be lifted and a small body would crawl in next to him. Arms would wrap around him, legs would tangle with his and after a shaky exhale against Chanyeol’s neck, Baekhyun would say something like ‘I made a terrible mistake’ before kissing him._

_It made him feel like a blushing idiot, having such thoughts, but he couldn’t deny that they were nice. They made Chanyeol feel like he had at least something to warm his heart, which by now had a permanent tear in it. Those thoughts, they would patch up the gash a little, enough so Baekhyun’s talks about Taeyeon would only rip out the freshly applied stitches without cutting in deeper._

_It was doable, living like that, with a broken heart while intensely longing for someone who would probably never feel the same. It was doable because Baekhyun was still Baekhyun. He was still Chanyeol’s best friend. He was the one who hugged him at times he’d least expect it, who’d laugh because he fucked up another choreo and who could finish his plate of food before Chanyeol was even halfway finished._

_There was never a day where it didn’t hurt, but Chanyeol could control it for now. He felt like he was doing a great job of hiding it too, but the longer time dragged on, the more careless he became keeping secretive, and that was probably what resulted in Kyungsoo sitting down in front of him one day and telling him, “man, you gotta stop with the staring.”_

_Chanyeol tore his eyes away from where Baekhyun was practicing a part of their ‘overdose’ stage performance and looked at his fellow member in front of him. Kyungsoo was staring at him with this knowing look that didn’t really tell Chanyeol whether he was disgusted by it or if he would actually be supportive, it only showed him that he knew, and so Chanyeol was a little careful with his reply, “what? I wasn’t staring?”_

_“Yes you were,” Kyungsoo called out, clearly not taking his bullshit, “you have been for a while. You need to stop, it makes me sad seeing you like that.” His fellow member softened a little, the hardness of his frown disappearing to show a quirk of a smile, “I’m sorry, Chanyeol, but it’s important to not let yourself get carried away. And trust me when I say that this all… it’s for the best.”_

_Chanyeol swiftly looked back at Baekhyun, if only for a second, just to see if he could speak freely, before he returned his gaze to Kyungsoo, “I’m not doing anything wrong, though. I’m not pursuing him, I’m not trying to break what he has with Taeyeon, I’m only… admiring.” He felt like those were good arguments, but Kyungsoo wiped them all from the table like they were meaningless._

_“Yeah, exactly, you’re admiring,” he agreed with Chanyeol before he threw back his counterargument, “which is obvious and dangerous. Do you want the whole world to know? because it’s so visible in your eyes. One of those looks outside of this room, out where plenty of cameras are pointed at us, and boom, they’ll know.” Kyungsoo was being serious, and it was the first time where Chanyeol realised he wasn’t upset because he liked another member._

_Kyungsoo wasn’t upset because Chanyeol was in love with Baekhyun, who was a guy, but because he was genuinely worried about others finding out. His worries were of another kind. Whether that was because of the damage it could do to their image or because Baekhyun was dating, it didn’t really matter. Kyungsoo was making sure Chanyeol didn’t get hurt either way, and that was thoughtful._

_“I- I didn’t know,” he answered truthfully, “I thought I was good at hiding it.” He stared at his hands, which were folded in his lap, and thought of how thankful he was for how it was Kyungsoo who was sitting here, Kyungsoo who had noticed his crush, rather than one of the others. Sehun would have probably told Baekhyun, thinking it was funny as hell, as would Kai. Lay was too caught up in his own world to notice, Minseok was often busy keeping Jongdae in check and Suho was busy keeping everyone from falling apart, so it kind of made sense it was Kyungsoo._

_“I thought I was being stealthy too, back when I… I mean, it’s not important, but as I said before: trust me when I say it’s best to let it go,” Kyungsoo was being very vague about this, never finishing his sentences, but Chanyeol picked up on what he meant. He meant he had been through the same, or at least something similar, and that was kind of surprising to him._

_Had Kyungsoo liked someone taken? Or, had he liked someone close, as in another member? It had to be either of those, right? Because how else could he say it was for the best and actually mean it?_

_Chanyeol noticed then how Kyungsoo was no longer looking at him, but how his gaze had searched the room until it settled on someone in the other corner, someone who was lost in his own world. Jongin was standing near the mirror, practicing his solo with his eyes on himself as he perfected move after move. It wasn’t a strange sight, because Jongin always lost himself in his dancing, but it was the first time Chanyeol looked at him as someone that Kyungsoo had admired._

_The longer the glance lasted, the more it confirmed for Chanyeol how Kyungsoo had once been in love the way he was now, but he had let go. None of the others had ever heard anything of it, at least he hadn’t, and it made Chanyeol doubt that Kyungsoo had ever admitted his feelings to the dancer. It was more likely to believe Kyungsoo had given up on that love by his own doing than thanks to Jongin breaking his heart, but who knew._

_“I am trying to,” Chanyeol told his friend, “I really am. It’s just not easy to let go.” Kyungsoo wouldn’t have any of his excuses, though. He shook his head and told Chanyeol, “no, you’re not trying. Don’t lie to me, Chanyeol. You’re actually looking for whatever straw he gives you just so you can hold on to him. Last week he held your hand when he almost tripped on the stairs and I could see your eyes light up like it was Christmas.”_

_Chanyeol dropped his head and sighed a little louder, his hands balling into fists as he remembered the surge of hope that had gone through him the moment he had felt Baekhyun’s hand in his only for disappointment to follow seconds after. “So what? Why would I give up when it makes me happy? It’s enough for me to be like this, it really is,” he argued._

_“True as that may be,” Kyungsoo hummed in return, “it’s going to eat you up, Chanyeol. Right now it’s enough, right now it doesn’t hurt as much because you don’t see them together. They don’t make a show of their relationship, but that’s about to change.”_

_The words made Chanyeol look up again, and Kyungsoo’s face was carefully composed when he stared at him. His voice was dripping empathy when he spoke again, “there are too many rumours to keep it a secret any longer. I heard dispatch has some pictures that they’re about to release and if those drop they won’t have a choice… SM will confirm it and they will no longer have any reason to stay behind locked doors. They can take their relationship out into the limelight. Now ask yourself, will you really be okay then?”_

_Behind Kyungsoo, Baekhyun was mouthing the words to the song as he theatrically moved about, Chanyeol could see the passion in his face that made his heart skip a beat, and he imagined seeing Taeyeon on the side of the stage at their actual concert. He imagined Baekhyun showing off to impress her before falling into her arms once he’d get backstage. He could see him kissing her, could see them hold hands, and the tear in his heart that he had been so good at covering slowly grew with every image that flashed behind his eyes._

_“I’m sorry Chanyeol, but you need to let go and you need to do it now. This isn’t the right time for feelings to get in the way,” Kyungsoo told him, his hand finding Chanyeol’s knee, and as Chanyeol watched Baekhyun’s bright smile he thought ‘will it ever be?’_

_~_

_True to Kyungsoo’s word, two days later Baekhyun and Taeyeon’s relationship became official. Baekhyun wasn’t exactly ecstatic, knowing that the backlash he had already gotten due to the rumours would only grow now the news had been confirmed, but he was willing to go through with it. For her._

_It didn’t really hurt Chanyeol, not like he had expected it to. In fact, it only made him feel numb for a while. Seeing how the world was becoming aware of the relationship between the two was a very clear sign to him that whatever Baekhyun and Taeyeon had, it was serious enough for them to dare date publicly. If it hadn’t been they could have stayed under the radar, could have waited for the rumours to die down before picking things up again, but they were confident enough to have the world judge them._

_No one could have predicted how it would all go down back then, but at that point in time, for a few short days, Chanyeol knew what it was like to see Baekhyun love someone else this fully. Because as Kyungsoo had predicted, he got to see more than an occasional glimpse of Taeyeon and he got more than his fair share of kisses._

_Chanyeol had always seen nothing but the advantages of being Baekhyun’s best friend, but right now all he saw were disadvantages. In just a few days, Chanyeol’s heart, which had been fairly stable, had turned into a punching bag for love to make fun of him. It left him feeling exhausted to the point where he was actually dragging his body around to whatever was on his schedule._

_He blamed it on not getting enough sleep and feeling a little under the weather, which was weird in the middle of June, but people didn’t ask. No one knew either, no one but Kyungsoo, who had become a buoy of some sort, keeping him afloat in the water._

_Whenever he felt ready to collapse, Kyungsoo would always silently find his way to him, interrupting Baekhyun’s stories about his girlfriend or just giving Chanyeol someone to lean on while his feelings took over. He couldn’t do much else, but it was enough and Chanyeol always silently thanked him with a short nod of his head._

_Chanyeol was so grateful he wasn’t alone right now, but sometimes that was exactly what made him sad in the first place, because whenever he’d lean on Kyungsoo’s shoulder he would remember the way the boy had looked at Jongin, the way he had said he had gone through the same, and he wondered if there had been anyone for him the way he was being there for Chanyeol right now. It made him feel guilty for having been such a bad friend, but there was nothing he could do about it now._

_There were times where it was easier, times where his heart wasn’t as sore, but they were rare. It didn’t matter whether Baekhyun was there or not, Chanyeol’s mind was as poisonous as were the images of seeing them kiss. Alone or not, with his eyes open or closed, it would always haunt him, but Chanyeol at least tried to live with it._

_On their night off, where he was alone because Baekhyun was out doing MC work for Inkyago, Chanyeol found himself writing music on his piano to turn the pain in his chest into something useful. It helped for a little bit, it made him feel like at least something good was coming from this all, and although the lyrics fitting the melody never took shape, he felt how well the song fit his mood._

_The longer he played, his mind denying how he was secretly waiting for Baekhyun to come home, the darker the tune became. Because at one o’clock, Chanyeol was still by himself, sitting on the piano bench feeling cold and like he had been left behind, and at two o’clock, when his fingers were raw and painful, Chanyeol went to bed alone, feeling like he could no longer breathe as he thought of how his Baekhyun was most likely staying over, sleeping soundly in the arms of someone else._

_~_

_When Chanyeol saw Baekhyun again, like really saw him, which was two days later, he felt his heart break for reasons other than his own misery. Baekhyun looked rough, like he hadn’t properly slept and like something troubling was stuck on his mind. He was messing up more than usual, way more than usual, and after the third try and fail of the recording they were working on the boy took off his headphones and threw them aside before he barged out of the recording booth._

_Chanyeol had followed him before he could really process it, his long legs easily catching up with Baekhyun’s short and angry stomps, and he didn’t even stop himself to think as he pulled the shorter against his chest, hugging him against him from behind. He was surprised by his self-control as he stayed very composed this close to Baekhyun, where he whispered against the shell of his ear, “just breathe.”_

_Baekhyun had been tense in his hold, had clearly radiated anger and frustration, but as Chanyeol ordered him to breathe he slowly let go, shoulders sagging as he inhaled, and he leaned back into the touch some. Chanyeol wasn’t thinking about his feelings right now, all he was thinking about was how worried he was about Baekhyun, because it was rare for the guy to be this upset._

_He waited for his small form to relax, for his breathing to calm down, before he turned him in his arms and forced their eyes to meet. Chanyeol dipped his head so he could look in Baekhyun’s pools of brown and he ignored the way his heart jumped as he saw them look back into his. Now wasn’t the time, now he had to be a best friend, not a crazy lovesick puppy, because Baekhyun was shaken up._

_“What’s wrong?” he asked, although it didn’t sound like a question, more like an order to spill whatever was making him act that way, and Baekhyun sighed loudly as his gaze fell down to his shoes. He shrugged, like he didn’t want to talk about it, but Chanyeol knew him better than that, and sure enough, only a few seconds later his friend started talking._

_“Taeyeon and I are taking a break,” he brought out, “and ever since we decided on it, I’ve been so out of it. I keep messing up, my mind is constantly elsewhere and I don’t know what to do about it,” he admitted, the words coming out like they had been bottled up for so long. Chanyeol could see the relief flood Baekhyun’s face as they were finally out, as if that had been what he had needed for forever now._

_“A break?” Chanyeol asked, making very sure his heart wouldn’t start beating ten times as fast as it was doing now. He couldn’t allow himself to have hope, he really couldn’t. A ‘break’ wasn’t a ‘break up’, and even if it was, it would be a dick move to think about himself right now. “Why? I thought you were happy.”_

_Baekhyun nodded, his mouth a thin line as his eyes flitted back up to Chanyeol’s, “I was. I mean, I am, but it’s-“ he paused, combed a hand through his hair as he tried to find the right words to explain, “god, they don’t tell you how stressful it is. Not just dating, but everything. From answering texts to knowing what she wants, to dealing with the fans. I just-“_

_He was trembling, Baekhyun was trembling, all the way from his fingers to his lower lip, his eyelids fluttering at a rapid speed as his eyes had started to tear up, and Chanyeol tugged him closer again knowing they were about to turn into a waterfall._

_Baekhyun’s cheek hit his shoulder and he leaned against it, glad for the support as he was breaking down, and Chanyeol waited for more. “They- they kept calling me traitor… at Inkyago. The fans- they hate us now,” Baekhyun spoke in short bursts, one or two words at a time, and with every chunk Chanyeol’s heart dropped a little further. Baekhyun, the soft-hearted boy who cared about his aeri now felt like they were the ones hating him._

_Chanyeol knew that it was likely the people hating on him were only a small chunk of dedicated fangirls that saw themselves dating Baekhyun rather than Taeyeon, but unfortunately they were the most vocal ones as well. It wasn’t fair, he knew it wasn’t, and he hated how he couldn’t change it._

_“They don’t hate you,” Chanyeol hushed him, breathing into Baekhyun’s hair, “some of them just want to be Taeyeon. They envy what you have. Don’t let them break you.” He squeezed his best friend against him a little tighter, giving whatever support he needed, “don’t let them take your happiness, Baek.”_

_Baekhyun held on to him, his arms coming up around Chanyeol to strengthen his hold, and he let the tears flow freely for a while. No words were spoken, Chanyeol didn’t try to console him any more, mainly because he just didn’t know what else to say, but it was needed anyway. It was okay for them to just stand there, embracing each other, and Chanyeol wished he had more control over how Baekhyun felt so he could take the pain away._

_He wished he could be the one to make him smile, to kiss it better and to hold him until nothing else mattered in this world but them. He wanted to make sure he would never cry again, that he would never hurt again, and he made the promise to himself anyway. Whatever he could do he would. Anything for Baekhyun._

~

Baekhyun tucked his phone away and turned his head to smile at Chanyeol, as if he knew that Taeyeon was still a touchy subject to Chanyeol even though the two had been over for a long time now. Baekhyun had been his for three years, much longer than Baekhyun and Taeyeon had been dating off and on for.

“Don’t get lost in your head like that,” Baekhyun laughed, hands finding their way to cup Chanyeol’s cheeks, pull him in very slowly so he could press their mouths together. It was a soft kiss but it held all the love Chanyeol could want and it was reassuring in a way that he could wave off the memories of his broken heart.

Instead he remembered the moments where Baekhyun had given him love and hope the way he was giving him now through that kiss, because even back then, when Chanyeol had thought he had been the only one keeping his feelings at bay, Baekhyun had found little ways to show him his own. There had been moments where Baekhyun had felt like he had been unconditionally his, and it hadn’t been without reason.

In the end, Baekhyun’s relationship with Taeyeon had in many ways opened both of their eyes to how they felt about each other. For Chanyeol it had been the start of that relationship that showed him, but for Baekhyun it had been the countless breaks, the ‘on’s and ‘off’s, where whenever he felt low he ran to Chanyeol, until it had become undeniable that his heart was no longer beating for Taeyeon. Until Baekhyun had kept breaking things off solely for the excuse it gave him to hide in Chanyeol’s arms.

~

_Sure, Kyungsoo had predicted this whole situation would be bad for Chanyeol’s heart. He had warned Chanyeol to let go of Baekhyun, to get out before it would become too much, but neither of them could have predicted Baekhyun’s relationship would be like this. Maybe if they had been going steady Chanyeol would have been able to move on, but with the way Baekhyun came running to him over and over again, how could he pull away?_

_The first time it had happened Chanyeol had thought that maybe it had been his imagination which was pulling a trick on him, giving him the exact scenario he had been dreaming of night after night for months now. Because the door had opened, a sliver of light creating a path to his bed, and he had seen a shadow in the doorway before the light disappeared again. The footsteps had been too soft to make out, but sure enough, the body that had crawled in bed with him had been Baekhyun’s._

_He had scooted close to Chanyeol but not too close to actually touch, and the silence between them had been deafening, only interrupted by a soft sob from time to time. Chanyeol’s hand had searched between their bodies until he had found Baekhyun’s, after which he had laced their fingers together. It took a few squeezes, a soft graze across his knuckles and a soft, “Baekhyun?” to make the boy talk._

_“We broke up,” Baekhyun had cried, explaining how they had had their first big fight and how he had said stuff he didn’t mean, how Taeyeon had cried and pushed him out of her room telling him they were over. She had slammed the door in his face, after which Baekhyun had come straight to him._

_It should have made him happy, to know how Baekhyun needed him, but he knew the smaller one was upset. The end of a relationship was always difficult, whether it had been a serious relationship or not, and Chanyeol couldn’t ignore Baekhyun’s feelings just because he was happy to know it was over now, that he could breathe again._

_But as relieved as he had felt that day, he had come crashing down from that high less than two days later, when Baekhyun had informed him how him and Taeyeon were back together again. The smile on his face had looked so genuine that Chanyeol hadn’t been able to find it in his heart to ask whether that was a smart decision or not. It would have been selfish anyway._

_He had smiled back, knowing the way his mouth had pulled up had looked anything but genuine, before he had escaped to the practice room. Needing to escape from it all, he had found his spot at the piano and had written the lyrics to the melody that had been in his head for a while now, all in less than ten minutes._

_His fingers had angrily smashed the keys as he played, had squeezed the pen he had used to write down his words until they looked like nothing but dark scratches of a pained heart. Still, an hour later he had perfected it, and with a burning pain in his chest he named the song: ‘(What if…)’._

_Chanyeol had repeated the tune again and again, quietly singing along until his shoulders had been shaking too much. Until his tears blurred the keys into one, and he had tiredly dropped his head against the music rack._

_It had only been the start of many more break-ups and get-togethers, of Chanyeol’s heart blossoming and shrivelling, with sometimes a week or two in between, sometimes only days or hours, but every time it ended Baekhyun would find him. He’d mold himself against Chanyeol’s body, would wrap himself in the taller’s arms and wait for the hurt to stop. And Chanyeol always came running._

_It was unfair how out of all people he was the one that was Baekhyun’s anchor. Unfair how he was the one that managed to make the other boy feel good even in those times where he was alone, while Baekhyun never did the same for Chanyeol. He wondered what his best friend would say if he were to tell him how in love he was, if Baekhyun would still come to him then, but Chanyeol didn’t want to lose what they had. It was quite masochistic, he knew that, but he couldn’t stop._

_Because he swore, sometimes, during those nights which they spent together, they were something else. Sometimes, he swore he could feel Baekhyun’s lips pressed to his neck for minutes on end. Sometimes, fingers pushed underneath his shirt to touch the skin of his back, which was an unnecessary thing to do, but it calmed Baekhyun down regardless. And they had quickly become Chanyeol’s favourite nights for exactly that reason._

_In the morning they would get up and be Baekhyun and Chanyeol, but at night when Baekhyun crawled into bed with him, they were something he couldn’t name. They were closer, they were less tense and less conscious of their actions, and every night Baekhyun moved a little closer until the space between them had become non-existent._

_There had been occasions where one of them had woken up with a boner – not just Chanyeol either – and luckily they had been able to laugh it off and blame it on their lack of personal touches, but secretly it made Chanyeol a little giddy. He simply couldn’t help it. No matter how small the hope he had, he couldn’t make it die altogether. There would always be some left in the very unlikely possibility that this thing between them could ever grow to be more than just a ‘thing’._

_~_

_The night it really ended was one that at first didn’t really stand out to Chanyeol as different. He knew better by now than to believe that they had really broken up when Baekhyun came into his room and crawled into bed with him, making himself comfortable against Chanyeol’s chest before he croaked out an, “it’s over. We’re over.”_

_He hummed as he turned, opening his eyes to look at Baekhyun in the dark. As his eyes got used to the blackness around him he listened for tell-tale signs of his best friend being upset, silent sobs that told him he had been crying, but they weren’t there, and as Chanyeol’s eyes got used to the darkness he saw that indeed Baekhyun looked less upset than usual. His eyes weren’t red, his nose not stuffy, and he was smiling very carefully._

_Alright then, that meant they would be back together tomorrow. It often was that way when it didn’t appear to be anything serious, and Chanyeol was glad he didn’t really have to pick up the shattered pieces of Baekhyun’s heart tonight. Instead he pulled him firmer into his arms and closed his eyes again, hoping maybe they could just go to sleep together, but Baekhyun wouldn’t let him._

_“I never deserved her anyway,” he whispered, voicing his thoughts, “she was too good for me. The fans were right about that.” He was putting himself down, something Chanyeol hated with a burning passion, “I’m a traitor. I don’t even know my own heart.”_

_Not all of the words made sense, but half of them did and Chanyeol didn’t like what that half was suggesting. “Of course you deserve her. Don’t worry, Baek, it will be okay again in the morning,” he promised as he pressed his nose into Baekhyun’s hair the way he was allowed to do now, on a night like this._

_He had hoped the words would be soothing enough for his best friend to relax into his embrace, but instead Baekhyun pushed at his chest enough to create some space between them, and his voice sounded a little less calm when he replied._

_“No it won’t,” Baekhyun argued, “I’m not going back to her. It’s over.” Chanyeol couldn’t help but sigh at it, which earned him a punch against his chest. It hurt his ribs, and the pain of it made him raise his voice a little as he replied with, “sure you won’t. You’ve only been doing it about a hundred times. What was it this time? Did you fight about schedules?”_

_Baekhyun was staring at him with dark eyes and Chanyeol wondered if he was angry, but right now he couldn’t really find it in himself to care. He was tired, goddamn tired of this. “Or maybe about how you don’t give her enough attention? Or maybe she kept bothering you and you got annoyed with her, and you tell me every time that you won’t go back to her, but you always do,” he finished._

_Baekhyun carefully kept the distance between their upper bodies, even with their legs still tangled together. “Well that was when I still loved her,” Baekhyun spat out and Chanyeol could feel him cross his arms in front of him. So, definitely angry then. “That was when I thought she was what I wanted, but she no longer is.”_

_Chanyeol’s sleepy brain was having a difficult time keeping up with what Baekhyun was saying, but he knew something was different about it. The air around them felt different, for one, and that wasn’t all. Because this wasn’t just Baekhyun whining and crying and pouting. This was Baekhyun actually arguing with him about the break-up, and although that in itself was new, Baekhyun’s answers suggested another change._

_“She isn’t? If she isn’t what you want, then what the hell do you want?” he asked, thinking it was a fairly innocent question, but Baekhyun didn’t answer him. It was dead quiet around them, uncomfortably silent in a way that it could be tasted even in the dark, and Chanyeol let it drag on until it became unbearable, “Baek?”_

_The mere mention of his name made Baekhyun snap out of it, and this time his voice did sound affected. This time he did sound like there were tears spilling from his eyes, and Chanyeol caught the words even though they were muffled into a pillow, “it doesn’t matter, ‘cause I’m not good enough to have it.”_

_Chanyeol shook his head at the words and he brought up a hand to touch Baekhyun’s cheek, feeling the trail of tears damp on his skin. It startled him, feeling the wet patch of skin beneath his fingertips, and he swallowed around his tongue before he brought out something he actually longed to tell Baekhyun in such a different context. But he needed them now, so Chanyeol sucked it up and told him, “of course you are. You deserve the whole world.”_

_Baekhyun snorted at that, not even allowing himself a second to think about those words. He let out a dry laugh right after, which told Chanyeol that he didn’t believe him whatsoever, and that frustrated him even more. It was hard for him to think of what to say next, because he wanted to make Baekhyun believe his words, but he couldn’t really explain why he felt that way without exposing his feelings._

_Yet he tried, because for Baekhyun he would do anything._

_“Remember ages ago, before you started dating Taeyeon, when we went to the movies together?” Chanyeol asked, waiting for Baekhyun to make a sound to confirm he knew what he was talking about. He himself remembered it clear as day, that night at the theatre, because it had felt so much like a date to him. They had watched a movie together after which they had ran away from a bunch of fans, hand in hand. The night had ended with him carrying Baekhyun home because he had sprained his ankle, and it had been perfect. Like a scene fit for a k-drama._

_“You may not remember, but the fans who kept following us, running to catch up with us, they were screaming your name,” Chanyeol said, remembering the loud chants of Baekhyun’s name. “They could have cared less about me. I was dragging you away because I would have sure lost you in that sea of people. They all wanted a piece of you, all because they adore you. And why wouldn’t they? How can you not see you’re good enough? You’re absolutely perfect.”_

_Baekhyun was quiet as he listened and he had his eyes on Chanyeol’s face the whole time. It wasn’t until he had finished talking that Chanyeol felt the sudden tension in the air that his story had created. Had he taken it too far? Had he been too obvious about his feelings? Probably. Did he really care? No._

_“Honestly, Baekhyun. Sure, there are fans that will hate whatever they don’t agree with, but they’re not the majority. The majority of our fans adore you. They swoon for that flirty person they see on stage, they fall for that passionate guy that always gives it his all and they dream of the one with the voice of an angel. Give yourself credit where credit is due, you idiot,” Chanyeol kept ranting, couldn’t stop himself if he wanted to._

_Baekhyun appeared a little shell-shocked at the never-ending flood of compliments, as he was staring at Chanyeol with wide eyes, and Chanyeol knew he should shut up, but he couldn’t. His mouth just kept going, he kept rattling on until he had poured his entire heart out, pinning it on his sleeve for Baekhyun to see. “Goddammit, anyone would be – and should be, mind you – happy to have you. Anyone.”_

_As the absolute quietness filled his ears he felt himself run short of breath, his throat closing up now he had spilled it all. Baekhyun was still staring at him with eyes as wide as saucers, as if he had heard the ‘I love you’ between the lines more than the actual words Chanyeol had spoken, and that should have worried Chanyeol, but it didn’t._

_Baekhyun actually didn’t say anything about it, didn’t pull away because he was so shocked, but he didn’t do nothing either. Chanyeol felt a hand against his chest again, but this time it wasn’t because Baekhyun wanted to hit him. The hand was right there over his heart, fingers sprawled out against Chanyeol’s shirt, as if he was trying to feel it beat there. He was sure Baekhyun could because it went through the roof with just that single touch._

_“Then why can’t that be you?” Baekhyun asked, his voice barely there, and Chanyeol felt like he had been pushed off a cliff. He was falling again, falling so hard as the words Baekhyun had uttered settled in his brain. For a second he thought he could feel a pair of hands there to catch him at the end of his fall, for him to finally have a soft landing, only to feel like they had been brutally pulled away at the very last second as Baekhyun corrected himself, “I mean, just- someone like you.”_

_Baekhyun started stuttering as he realised his mistake, trying so hard to make up for it that he only made a bigger mess of things, “you don’t see the bad sides of me and you always let me in here when I’m hurt. You understand me, you make me laugh, that’s the kind of person I should want, right? Why can’t I have someone like that?”_

_Chanyeol should probably feel flattered, he should see Baekhyun’s words as a compliment. They were proof of how good of a friend he was, of how he was everything his crush would want, but all he felt was how he wasn’t enough. If he had all that, then something about him had to be so flawed that it was preventing Baekhyun from wanting him. To want someone like him, but not him._

_It had to be because he was a guy, right? Because he didn’t have curves, didn’t have long wavy hair that Baekhyun could brush his hand through. It had to be that, for Chanyeol knew he wasn’t the worst looking guy out there. He had grown a lot over the past years, had gotten a more defined face, and even his ears didn’t look as big with his current haircut. Could Baekhyun be thinking he wasn’t attractive?_

_Chanyeol could change the colour of his hair, he could use make up to change his facial expressions, could work out to gain muscle, but he couldn’t change the fact that he was a guy. Whatever it was, Chanyeol couldn’t ask without flat out admitting his crush and considering how he had done enough damage to his heart for one night, he didn’t ask._

_He could always try change himself some, see if anything would change, but he would never ask. He’d never let himself get vulnerable like that again unless something would change between them, which he finally dared admit to himself was very unlikely._

_He swallowed, supressed the desire to turn his back to Baekhyun and curl up in a tight ball, and he dropped his face against Baekhyun’s hair again in an attempt to hide. The hand against his chest moved away and Chanyeol could slowly feel his heartbeat slow down. It had survived another crash, which was an absolute miracle to him, and he was starting to worry how long he’d be able to hold on. How many more of these nights he could take._

_“You’ll find her,” Chanyeol promised, eyes squeezing tightly shut as he dropped a kiss to Baekhyun’s head, “don’t you worry about it.” He could feel it when Baekhyun moved closer again, when his hands moved to Chanyeol’s back very innocently, and it shouldn’t still make him feel warm inside, but that was it. This was Baekhyun, his very best friend Baekhyun, his long-time crush Baekhyun, and he’d always love him._

~

An exclusive interview. That’s what they would be doing once they were done with hair and make-up. Or well, as exclusive as a room full of press could be. It felt like the most stupid thing in the world, interviewing them about such a pointless thing, but people were dying to get their scoop. The world of gossip would never make sense to him.

One of their managers had come for them the second they had arrived at the venue and told them to get ready because the press was waiting for them to give their story.  Apparently it hadn’t just been their phones that had been blowing up, it had been the whole internet. It had gotten especially messy after they had posted their picture in the car on the way from the hotel to the venue.

People were dying to know about them, about how long they had been dating and how they had kept it all a secret. Baekhyun and he were expected to open up about it all and it was something Chanyeol should have seen coming, but he hadn’t really. He had been the one to push them out into the public eye yet he was the one having a hard time with this.

Baekhyun looked a lot calmer, although Chanyeol figured part of that was only his demeanour, not what he actually felt like on the inside. He remembered Taeyeon and Baekhyun’s relationship and the way part of its ending was due to the judgement on social media. He had thought of that when he had told SM to add the clause about their relationship to the contract. He had known that they would get attention, was positive that they would get hate, but just like Baekhyun had thought it had been worth it back then, he had felt it was worth it now.

It was the first time that day where Chanyeol thought about Baekhyun’s ex without thinking about his own heartache. Because suddenly it made him become aware of his fiancé, of how he must remember it as well. Was he comparing his first official relationship seeing the light to the news of their engagement? Was he scared of being judged again the same way he had been back then? Should Chanyeol have been more thoughtful of that?

“We don’t have to go through with it,” he reassuringly whispered to his love as he took his hand in his, “I could go alone or we could just hand in a written report. We could even go and cancel the final show if you’re uncomfortable or nervous about this. Anything, Baek.” He wanted to make sure Baekhyun knew that he would so whatever it took to make him happy, to make sure this wouldn’t be a repetition of the Taeyeon thing.

Baekhyun blinked at him, as if he didn’t really get what Chanyeol was saying, until his brows knitted together in a frown as the words made sense to him, “what? Why would we cancel our show? Don’t be ridiculous Yeol, we’re in this together.” As if to prove his point he laced their fingers together as he showed him a small smile. He was squeezing tightly, and Chanyeol really wanted to believe him, but he couldn’t just let it go.

“I mean…,” Chanyeol tried to find the right words, “because the last time you were dating someone, people weren’t exactly nice. And that was only dating, now you’re engaged. _We’re_ engaged,” Chanyeol pointed out, “who knows what they’ll say. Maybe they’ll judge us because we’re two guys, maybe they’ll just think it’s weird in general and who knows, things could get messy.”

He didn’t want to think in worst case scenarios, but he had to in order to make sure Baekhyun could take it all, but with a roll of his eyes Baekhyun dismissed whatever Chanyeol had said. He sighed as he reached out to push a stray lock of hair behind Chanyeol’s ear, “you’re an idiot. Do you really think I’d let them hurt me now? I thought you were the one who told me not to let others get in the way of my happiness in the first place.” He was repeating words Chanyeol knew he had said, but still. He wouldn’t forgive himself if he became the reason of Baekhyun’s pain.

He was about to protest, but Baekhyun, being able to read him so well, moved his finger from Chanyeol’s hair to his lips, keeping it there as he hushed him. “Ah, now let’s stop being this depressed, okay? Last time I was confronted about a relationship I wasn’t sure about my feelings for the person I was dating. I was in the beginning stage of it all, only just figuring out what dating was like, and I was most definitely not engaged and in love the way I am now.”

He patted Chanyeol’s shoulder then, “now all I can do is show them how I genuinely feel and if they won’t accept that then it is their loss,” he reasoned, smiling at his own words. “We have the others right behind us, Chanyeol. They would always back us up and at the end of the day they are all we need. We have nothing to lose. The fact that others do, well… I don’t actually need anyone else to support and love me as long as you’re the one doing that.”

Chanyeol was left speechless, seeing before him a Baekhyun so strong and so sure of himself that he couldn’t do anything but nod. He could only believe him, knowing that he was right: they had nothing to lose.

And so he let Baekhyun take his hand, let him entwine their fingers and tug him along down the hallway to where they knew they were supposed to go. They walked in silence, both comfortable like that, although Chanyeol was maybe a little nervous. It was already out there that he was in love, so the worst was over, but he couldn’t help but worry about the possible questions that would soon be spewed their way.

Inside the room that they were ushered in, stood a set of tables with two chairs at the very front of it, with the rest of the room filled to the brim, actually to the brim, with press. It felt like Chanyeol was looking at a thousand cameras, hearing a dome full of voices all speaking at once and it was incredibly overwhelming. Honestly, performing in front of a crowd a hundred times as big felt that much easier than taking a seat right now.  

Baekhyun didn’t even appear to blink, he just kept walking and tugging Chanyeol along, being his support right now, and for that he was glad. Even when they sat down, their hands never let go of each other. They were in this together, would survive this together, and Chanyeol’s heart melted a little more at the thought of that.

He had lost his voice along with the strength to do much at all and so he would have to let his fiancé do the talking. Had this been what Baekhyun had needed to go through all those years ago? Had it been anything like this? It was so daunting the way everyone’s eyes were on them, the way they were trying to capture everything, and it truly felt like a magic trick the way one spokesperson of SM managed to get them all quiet just by standing up from his seat.

“Alright,” the man told the crowd, only being interrupted by the occasional sound of a shutter, “Baekhyun and Chanyeol will tell you whatever they like to share after which they will answer some of your questions. No screaming, no inappropriate questions and no accusations or else you will be removed from this room. You know the drill, don’t make us sue you, because we will,” the man finished with a polite smile before he sat back down, after which the room stayed silent.

There were about a hundred pairs of expectant eyes on them, waiting for the first explanation straight from the couple themselves. Chanyeol had pictured him taking over now, leaving Baekhyun a moment to compose himself while he told them about how he had swept Baekhyun off his feet, maybe about how he had come up with the proposal idea, but he was blank. His lips wouldn’t move, his whole body was frozen, and next to him he heard Baekhyun chuckle before he leaned in to the microphone on his side.

“Hello everyone, thank you very much for being here and taking an interest in our story. I’m sure you want your readers to find out everything there is to know about us, but as you can imagine there are some things we’d rather keep to ourselves,” Baekhyun started, being the perfect example of a good idol. He was sticking to the contract, not sure how much he could get away with, which was stupid in a situation like this.

“Chanyeol and I have been together for three years now. It was our anniversary yesterday, when he proposed, and I am not lying when I say I was really surprised to see him get down on one knee,” his fiancé laughed a little as he nudged his head in Chanyeol’s direction, “nonetheless I am sorry. We are sorry, because it was never our intention to not share our love with the fans. We have always wanted to let the world know how we felt, but as you may know there are such things as contracts and our fans’ feelings and we did not want to just out ourselves and have it be over the week after. That’s why we’ve been very careful with our relationship.”

Chanyeol felt like Baekhyun said a lot already and now he needed it to be his turn. He moved in to clear his throat into the microphone, averting the attention to him before he spoke, “Exo’s name has never been a joke to us and we didn’t want to risk losing what that name means to others just because of our personal lives. It wasn’t until I was sure of us, that I realised I wanted to be with him the rest of my life that I decided to confront our management about it. Then one thing led to another and now we’re here…”

Both of them went quiet, not sure what the world would want to know about them more than this, and so the same guy as before stood up and started calling out people for questions. A bit of commotion erupted as everyone wanted to ask at the same time, but soon enough it died down and a woman up front was the first to ask her question. “How did you two admit you had feelings for each other?”

The question made Chanyeol look at Baekhyun, who looked back at him with the same look on his face. He tried to remember if they actually had, and he started laughing as the memories of that time of insecurities flooded his mind. “I guess we didn’t?” he spoke into the microphone, still watching Baekhyun from the corners of his eyes to show him he could correct him if he were wrong, “we just kissed one day and that was kind of that. We never had to say anything because we just knew eventually.”

Baekhyun nodded to show how he agreed, “yeah. We had a pretty long build up to that moment, one of us always too scared or nervous to take it further or say something about it, so we didn’t really talk about it until the day where it just happened. It wasn’t really a big transition from not dating to dating.”

Another question was fired their way, asking about what the other members thought about it and whether they had been aware from the very start, which Chanyeol wasted no time in answering. “Actually Kyungsoo, D.O, he uh- he was the only one who knew about my crush on Baekhyun way before anything happened between us, but by the time we really got together most of the members were aware of the tension between us,” the answer came quite naturally, because he knew that was he was saying was definitely true, “and they support us fully. Most of them actually helped me prepare the proposal, except for the ones I knew wouldn’t be able to keep it a secret, of course.”

He heard a few people laugh, including Baekhyun right next to him, and it was nice. There was no hostility in the air, whatever the reason for that may be, and Chanyeol let himself enjoy it. When they asked them what they liked most about each other, Chanyeol felt a smile take over his face. He loved talking about Baekhyun after all, he adored the boy so much that he could take an hour to answer this question, but before he could say anything whatsoever Baekhyun had beaten him to it.

“Chanyeol’s very funny. He’s a kind giant, an adventurous person with a heart made of gold and a smile that can make every sad thought in my mind disappear. He’s thoughtful and romantic, a little bit of an idiot too, but I like that,” Baekhyun was smiling with love in his eyes, and Chanyeol felt so proud to be his.

“I remember,” Baekhyun went on, his eyes cast downwards now, “how after my breakup with Taeyeon, he was always there for me even though he already had feelings for me. He put his own happiness aside for mine, and it only made me more confident that he was very special.”

Chanyeol didn’t know how Baekhyun knew, about how he had had feelings for him back then, but apparently he did. It made him wonder if he had always known or if someone had told him more recently. It almost made him embarrassed, being aware that Baekhyun knew so much, but then his fiancé was sharing another piece of information that was new to him and so he paused his thoughts.

“One day he took me out to the movies, way before we actually became close friends. Back then I thought it was another one of his crazy ideas, because he had to be insane to go there without any security surrounding us at all. But it was a moment of rebellion of sorts, one that changed the way I saw him, which eventually all led to things changing for me in a life-altering way,” Baekhyun folded his hands on the table, no longer holding on to Chanyeol, and Chanyeol watched him absentmindedly play with the ring on his finger.

His breath caught in his throat as he thought back to that night, to the way Baekhyun had laughed so freely and had smiled so brightly. It had been before Baekhyun had started dating Taeyeon and it had been the moment where their brief friendship had turned into them becoming best friends. And possibly, just- you know… Possibly, that had been the moment where he had fallen for the older boy. He had thought it had been a pretty insignificant night to Baekhyun, but he had been wrong.

Maybe, just like Chanyeol had been too scared to say anything about his feelings because so much had been on the line, Baekhyun had hidden his own thoughts and pushed them away so he would never have to deal with the rejection. Maybe that was why Baekhyun and Taeyeon had never managed to establish a stable relationship, because no matter how much he had liked her there had always been the reminder of that night.

Could it be that they had fallen for each other at the same time and had both been stupid enough to try and move on from it?

“It was there, where we were truly alone together as Chanyeol and Baekhyun, not even Exo’s Chanyeol and Baekhyun but just as _us_ , there that I got to see him in a different light. I had always thought of Chanyeol as a good friend up to that point, but when we escaped from a mob of fans and he held my hand so tightly… I felt desired. I felt like being with Chanyeol would be exciting, that it would be so many things I longed for,” Baekhyun still looked a little confused as he thought back to that moment in time, and it was cute. He looked so cute.

“I uh- sprained my ankle as we ran and he carried me home, like actually carried me. On his back, as if I weighed nothing when I know very well that that wasn’t the case,” Baekhyun laughed, filling the air with its perfect melody. “As I was hanging onto him I realised a lot of things, but it wasn’t until much later that I realised that most of all, being with Chanyeol was like dancing around in a spring meadow on a sunny day, it was like skinny dipping underneath a starry sky and it was falling into the most beautiful dreams on a mountain of pillows, enveloped in warmth. He was stable like the ground beneath my feet, constant like the beat of my heart and I asked myself that if there was one thing I would never want to lose, what would it be? And I just knew it would be him.”

“I guess that was what made me accept it, because why would I think of him first? Why wouldn’t I have thought of my life as an idol, my fans or my family? Why Chanyeol?” Baekhyun was making such a valid point, because why him? Why wouldn’t he have picked the fame, the people much closer to him, especially back then?

Chanyeol swore he could drop a needle right then and there and it would be the only sound in the room, for everyone was so quiet they seemed to be holding their breaths. Baekhyun’s words, spoken like a poem, had captured everyone’s attention, though Chanyeol wouldn’t know because he had eyes for no one else but him.

It wasn’t like he didn’t know how Baekhyun felt about him, he knew very well, but to hear him say it like that and to understand his feelings so well… God, Chanyeol wanted to kiss him.

“Well… it was because I love him. I love him like I’ve never loved anyone else and like I’ll never love anyone else again. Because he holds my heart and I hold his, and we take care of each other. That’s what we do, we take care of each other. Through the highs that the fruits of our labour leave us with, as well as the lows of busier times, of injuries and fights. In the end we always remember what we hold in our hands, and we come back to each other and cherish the love we have.”

The whole room was hanging onto Baekhyun’s lips, and Chanyeol wanted so badly to take a hold of Baekhyun’s hand. It was only when he realised that he actually could that he reached out and did just that, linking their hands on the table, and he saw Baekhyun’s smile grow a little as he looked down at them.

“I always thought love would be difficult,” Baekhyun said, sounding like he had come to his conclusion, “that it would take time and effort to keep the flame alight, but being with Chanyeol is as easy as breathing. I don’t have to think about it at all, because we just fit together. Sometimes we don’t even need words to talk, which as expected can be good and be bad.”

He laughed at himself, probably remembering the times where they’d fight with nothing but their eyes and the others had looked at them rather strangely, wondering what was up. He was right though, it was easy. Nothing was forced, there had never been any moments where he doubted them, not even in those fights. They simply belonged together, that’s what it felt like.

“Sure, we have our flaws. Chanyeol is whiny and leaves his dirty socks in the kitchen,” Baekhyun outed to the world, drawing a whine from Chanyeol’s lips before he could realise that he was confirming the other’s words by doing so.

Laughter ensued, but Baekhyun didn’t let that stop him from finishing his story, “no relationship is perfect, but I feel like we are able to look past those flaw and whatever mistakes we make, we are desperate to fix. And I know that I will always continue to do so, because at the end of the day there is no other place where I’d rather be than right next to him.”

Baekhyun turned his head, demanding Chanyeol’s full attention, and when the taller looked into his eyes he saw he sincerity of the words he had spoken. Every word he had spilled came straight from his heart and Chanyeol knew then that he’d never have to worry about being alone again. Because he had Baekhyun with him. He had Baekhyun’s smiles, his kisses and tears, his hopes and dreams, all of that… right next to him.

“I’ll always be here,” Baekhyun promised, as if he could read the thoughts on Chanyeol’s mind, but he was speaking to the room one finaly time, “right next to Chanyeol.”

Right where he belonged.

 

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> Ah I really enjoyed writing this, but honestly, I need something more fluffy next. Please let me know if there are things you'd love to read about them! I'm not exactly sure what I want to do next, but I know it's gonna be something including the group. Which flashbacks are you dying to read about?! 


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